The story that never ends...

[Clicker]

Promise  that I will not deviate into the realms of  fantasy in order to get as much innuendo into my bit of the story ....so what can I get  you Sir? he asked , discarding the pseudo Irish  accent. The reply was ....

[FUJI]

Oim freezing cold cobber, so cold, I can't find me didgery any place....

Och Aye the noo, oor Sydney, yer Breeks is aall wet throo, so ye can borrer me sporran ter hid yer wee Wullie, while a dry yon breeks in front of oor peat fire. There's parridge on the hob, grab ye a wee spoonfu orrrrr two, yeel soon warrrrm up. 

Ozzy Sydney is so overcome by all this kindness he bursts into tears of gratitude, just as he wipes his eyes on the borrowed sporran who should walk in but............

Edited October 22, 2015 by FUJI

[ChrisLumix]

....John Humphrys, of Radio 4 hisself. "Pardon me boys", he says in his almost BBC accent with barely a trace of the Under Milkwood peeking through, "but I would be most grateful if you would kindly speak in genuine vernacular and not the garbled mish-mash of comedy Geordie ratatouilled up with comedy Scots. I'm very finicky about the use and abuse of English as you know".

"Bloody hell" roared Slattery, "just who the divvil d'ye think you are, coming in here and telling us how to speak the good Queen Mab's English! How dare ye, sir!"

With that he picked up a handy shillelagh, and advanced on the hapless Humphrys, who turned to run. But just at that very moment...

 

[FUJI]

Humphries let out a scream of Taffy terror.....NOH! NOH!! boy-Ho isn it, there's lovely now.......he ran out ......back .....all the way to Mumbles, to the fishing boat bobbing bay.....and the sloe block, crow black Taffy Tale, of .....Willy Nilly Postman and Mrs Ogmore Pritcher getting up to no good in the wash house.......Well I never......well I never........

.....the scene fades.......when the lights go up and our Ozzy hero Sydney, is feeling much better, his breeks are dry and his belly filled with good Scottish Parridge........He thanks the Scottish/Irish barman, hands back, the still warm sporran, tucks in his wee Wullie and makes for the door........outside, the sun is shining, it feels warm for the first time in ages....he decides to get on a bus to .............

Edited October 22, 2015 by FUJI

[Korky]

the town of his birth: Aberystwyth. He hasn't seen his folks in ages and he knows his old mum will be glad to cook him a great plateful of.....

 

NOTE TO CLICKLADY - I'm pretty sure it was Graham Garden on R4's ISIHAC who said innuendo was 'a Spanish suppository'.

[FUJI]

Lava bread and Aberystwyth Abilones, very partial to seafood is Sydney.........a tiny China plate, holds half a dozen delicate, still hot from the oven, Welsh Cakes, his mam loves him to bits....isn it!

Sydney, decides to walk into Aberystwyth town, one with a university and a cliff railway....he decides to pop into........

[FUJI]

Taking you out of this dusty old bookshop to offer you a new life, a life of sheep shearin, roo chasin, chook rearin, an things loik that Sheila. The lass in a bit flustered by all of so they  chat over a.........meal and.....he finds she hails from New Zealand ....................Sydney is devastated, a Sheila that looks like an Ozzy and sounds like an Ozzy, but she ain't an Ozzy.........will love overcome this setback? .........Will our Sheila, go sheep shearing .....or.....

[ChrisLumix]

....will she stay in Aberystwyth, where women go and men dunder? Sydney presses her to make up her mind, but she is having none of it. "Oy, you Ozzy bar steward - press me again and I'll have your gooseberries for earrings." Sydney is more enamoured than ever. He just loves a woman who is full of spunk, or at least, that's what he.....

Edited October 22, 2015 by ChrisLumix

[FUJI]

.......... thinks but he doesn't expect the THWACK she gives him with her Maori Battle Club, a beautifully carved deadly weapon  .......Poor Sydney reels back unconscious with.......MADE IN NEW ZEALAND .....stamped as a mirror image across his forehead, Sheila tucks the club back inside her blouse, then she notices the damage.....that's BUST now she notes.

Free of Sydney at last, she makes her way back to the bookshop, a safe haven where she meets her real beaux , Taffy Dia Bread the baker, she craves his flour covered hands, his currant bun eyes and his ginger nuts.......she is madly, deeply.................... 

[FUJI]

In love, there is no cure.......FADE TO BLACKOUT.......

................Our unconscious Sydney is coming round, his head hurts like mad, the world around him seems to swirl in a myriad of spiralling spinners........when clarity returns Sydney can just about make out a signpost in the distance, the scenery looks strangely familiar, he just can't fathom it out, he just knows that all will be familiar, but doesn't know why.

He eventually reaches the finger post which reads......TO NUTWOOD..

All around, he looks about

Then is surprised by a loud shout

 

In the distance standing there

He spies a waving Rupert Bear

 

Syd smiles broadly then waves back

together then they walk the track

What adventures will they find?................

 

[Korky]

An insight into Fuji's mind?

There's twists and turns and good and bad

There's happy bits and then some sad

There's what and why and who and where

And now he's now brought in Rupert Bear!

But what the heck, that's not a crime

So..... Rupert now bursts into rhyme

But Syd's from Oz, he don't do verse

And so, to make the the story worse

He beats poor Rupert o'er the head

And leaves him lying, quite brown bread

He panics, scarpers to the coast

To where the girl he loves the most

Is waiting with a kindly smile

And a..........

[ChrisLumix]

.... copy of a magazine 

Accused of being most obscene

The "Schoolkids OZ" of ill repute

Which features Rupert in a state

That wouldn't pass the censor's pen;

But now is now and then was then 

And things have changed, so Sydney yelled

"I'm Oz not OZ, though same they're spelled,

I've left Nutwood, it's prose I crave

So please please please get me a Vegemite sandwich and let's get back to normal for Gawd's sake." 

20 seconds later there was a loud crashing noise. Sydney turned, and saw....

[FUJI]

Edward trunk and Algy Dog

approaching thro the mist and fog

 

HEY! You .....YOU there

Have you seen poor Rupert Bear?

 

Sydney hangs his head in shame

NUTWOOD will never be the same

 

Poor Ruperts gone, his stories too

All we have left is........POOH!

 

Hey Diddle de de ( in a high voice) enter Pooh Bear 

On a bridge playing Pooh Sicks as on a honey spoon he licks, 

Tigger and Ee-aww see Pooh, but wonder who the sozzled looking chap is next to him, it can't be?......can it?

 

[Korky]

TIME OUT

Bloody hell, Fooj. What are you smoking?

El Korko

[FUJI]

TIME OUT

Bloody hell, Fooj. What are you smoking?

El Korko

POOH STICKS!!!!!! 

 

 

POOH, Tigger and EEaww, fade as Sydney's brain swirls into some kind of reality.....he is lying on a river bank......he swears that he can see a Toad driving a car........POOP! POOP!

Is it a dream, or is it reality this time? ......HIC!!!!

Sydney sits up, rubbing the ten day stubble on his chin, when he sees.............

 

 

 

 

Edited October 23, 2015 by FUJI

[ChrisLumix]

.....a little girl with long blonde corkscrew curls and a white pinafore dress. She rushes past him, but Sydney tries to stop her.

"Hey little girl.." he begins. 

"Can't stop. Can't stop. I'm in a hurry"

Then she stumbles to a stop. "Have you - have you seen a talking rabbit with a waistcoat and a pocket watch?"

Sydney can't believe what he's hearing.

"Are you on drugs, miss?"

She stamps her foot.

"All right then - have you seen a pair of giant talking eggs? A pack of flying playing cards? A duchess with a pig?"

Sydney is stumped. "No miss, but I did see...."

[FUJI]

 Four spiffing children and a dog  in a sailing boat with absolutely lashings of ginger beer and Fanny......FABULOUS!

Sydney, by this time was utterly confused, as I am because no matter his I tried I couldn't get rid of this text box...

I deviate from our story......Sydney realises that he urgently needs to return to reality, so he uses his mobile phone to ring........

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited October 23, 2015 by FUJI

[FUJI]

A guy known with the alias FUJI, he needs confirmation that all is as it should be....................FUJI explains that he is doing his best to keep things going and that he will attempt to get Sydney back to reality......Syd rings off in a very anxious state.....unless someone comes to the rescue he is likely to fade away........

[Kobione]

unless someone comes to the rescue he is likely to fade away........

Suddenly Fuji's phone rings and surprise, surprise it is a phone call from OZ!!! The voice at the other end, speaking with a Crocodile Dundee accent says " G'Day mate - I hear that Sydney has been talking to and about rabbits with pocket watches - well, I have an urgent request.

Skippy the bush kangaroo really needs help. He has never been allowed to grow up, has been kept in a TV studio for years and he is sick of it!! He needs Sydney to get over here now, and take him up the Kidman Track so he can head North and get good grazing and grow.

Tell Sydney that he needs to be on a plane tonight, so he'd better get his head sorted - I've booked a reservation for him with.........